Peer Pressure

Today, someone apparently found this site by Googling 10 whacks with a wet noodle. That is so funny I currently cannot breath.

And since everyone else is doing it, here are my disorganized thoughts on the TTC strike:

So, the surprise TTC strike this weekend set off a great flurry of well-thought out and carefully weighed opinions, particularly on the internet and its various "blogs".

Just kidding. We're all jackasses.

I was just as toweringly pissed off about the strike as anyone else, and as I aimlessly surfed from faceless LJ to faceless blog (having nothing better to do as most of my weekend plans were effectively destroyed, except for my market-going plans with Shayne as I would and have happily jumped through hoops of fire and flown motorcycles over rows of rabid tigers to hang out with her), I found an increasing number of bloggers, some of whom could even spell, advocating an "alternative mode of transportation", biking.

I have nothing against people who bike, some of my best friends are bikers, but you know what? I like the public transportation system. I especially like using the public transportation system that I'll pay for either way whether I use it or not. Plus, I'm a terrible bike rider, can hardly walk a straight line let alone bike one, and the idea of wobbling through Toronto traffic where I might have to face drivers as ditzy as I am is highly unappealing. Sorry, but if I'm going to be put in a position where I have to play chicken with a pick-up truck, I want the odds stacked in my favour, thank you. I'll take the bus, rather than rely on a couple of pounds of aluminum, a plastic helmet, and worst of all, my reflexes and common sense, to save me.

This is not to say that I'm hog-wild about buses, trains, and cars either. If it were up to me, automobiles would be banned and we'd all go back to riding horses everywhere. In fact, if I ever run for mayor, that is what I'd base my entire campaign on. That, and recreating Toronto as a polyandrous society. This is how it would go:

"Mrs. Maxwell-Depp-Englund-Townsend-Lee, crime in this city is out of control. What is your plan to reduce the crime rate?"
"FREE PONIES FOR EVERYONE!"

"Mrs. Maxwell-Depp-Englund-Townsend-Lee, how do you plan to handle the city's financial crisis?"
"ALL TTC BUS DRIVERS WILL BE RE-TRAINED AS FARRIERS!"

I think I'd win.

Where was I? I was thinking about ponies. Oh yeah! Biking.

To win me over to the side of biking as a viable method of transportation, the following conditions would have to be met:

-someone would have to find me one of those old-fashioned bikes with the giant front wheel
-I would also require a green velvet hat with a wide brim and a white ostrich feather
-pantaloons (these I can provide myself)

Yes, I wear my Beetlejuice pantaloons as regular pants, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Really, when you can wear pantaloons in public, who needs sex?

Okay, I will stop making jokes about pantaloons now*.

Anyway, picture it: I'd sail along Yonge St. to work everyday, towering above the cars. I'd pull up at an intersection next to an eighteen-wheeler, look into the cab at the driver, and give him a big thumbs-up and a grin. Then I'd go find a Smart Car and circle around it like a vulture all the way down the street, just because I can and my front wheel would be higher than its windshield.

I'd have to somehow rig speakers to the bike, so I could blast Scott Joplin rags and old-timey circus music too.

Anyway, there's my list of demands. Bikers, your work is cut out for you, win me to your side!

* Lie

LOLTiffs

Instead of real news, a cartoon: